Taking care of me

Isn’t it funny how sometimes when things go a bit wrong it can feel like the end of the world and then at other times it seems like no big deal?  This weekend I had lots of things happen that at other times would have resulted in a mini breakdown and a spike in anxiety but I was able to just shrug them off and realise it was fine.  To be honest, I laughed about most of it – checking Melie’s nappy and putting my finger straight in it?!  No worries, its only poo right?!  The girls literally scrapping over a plastic bag and who got to put what in it…(The fact that Sophie wanted to fill it with wool made me feel proud – growing up just like me!)  I just got them each their own bag to fill.  Going out to a BBQ (sometimes this kind of things just makes me want to hide in the house), it was fine.  Even though I smashed a glass and Melie stood on a shard (just so you know she is absolutely fine).

I’m putting it down to a couple of things, the lack of hard time frames and the use of Vitamin B6.  

I love it when we don’t have to rush to be anywhere at a certain time.  I’m normally a shouty mess by the time we actually get out of the house on the school run – “get your shoes, get your shoes, get your shoes!  Melie stop licking the croc and put it on!!” and we invariably get to school pretty hot and bothered.   I am really looking forward to not having to worry about all that over the summer holidays.

This weekend, apart from gymnastics, we didn’t have to go anywhere for a certain time.  We did things when we wanted and how we wanted.  I was able to do some of things in the house that I ordinarily don’t have time to like cleaning out the boiler cupboard.  I find it so overwhelming when everything is overflowing and it was so satisfying to see the floor of the cupboard instead of a sea of nappies, toilet rolls and towels.  Just got to keep it that way now.

The girls had hoped to go swimming on Sunday morning but we decided that we would just chill out for the day and it was definitely worth it.  They got on with playing with water, the swimming arm bands that I got out of the boiler cupboard, having water fights in the garden and lots of colouring.  We all sat around the table with a giant sheet of paper and just drew and coloured in together for about hour.  When you’ve got nowhere to be you can just enjoy being.  I guess it’s what is called self-care.

The other thing I’ve been doing is taking Vitamin B6.  It’s meant to help with hormonal imbalance and the fatigue and emotional mess that they cause.  I actually got prescribed them after I had Sophie years ago because I went through a phase where I found everything Mr Hopo did extremely irritating.  I can remember looking at him one night and thinking “why can’t you just stop breathing?” – not in a why won’t you die kind of way, just a your breathing is so noisy that I want to rip my ears off way.  They worked a treat then and I only took it for a couple of months.

Since having Melie I’ve suffered a lot with anxiety.  I worry about being late, going places I don’t know, running out of nappies, the car breaking down, whether or not Melie will sleep, the list goes on and on.  Sometimes, I just want to hide and not talk to people and I have refused to go to things, once to my in laws for lunch and luckily Mr Hopo didn’t push me, he just said ok, stay home get some of the stuff done you want to and well see you later on.  I did washing and the ironing and tidying.  Nothing exciting, but it meant I had a few hours to get myself together.

Melie wasn’t an easy baby.  She came out screaming and pretty much didn’t stop until she was a year and a half.  First it was tongue tie, then it was acid and teeth and wind and finally a diagnosis of an egg allergy, a dairy intolerance and reflux.  The doctors all said it was me who wasn’t getting her to self soothe and that I should just leave her to cry.  (How anyone could leave a baby to scream in pain is beyond me, but they didn’t seem to realise that’s what they were asking me to do.)  I had to take Mr Hopo with me to the doctor after about 5 times of them telling me the problem lay with me.   Melie honestly cried all the time and if someone tried to help she would scream all the more and it physically hurt me.  Which meant that I didn’t want help from anyone except Mr Hopo and sometimes not even him.   Anyway,  I eventually went to the doctor about how I was feeling last year and they gave me some happy pills and said I should probably try the well-being service.  I haven’t tried it yet but I might now, I feel a bit more like I could do it.  I decided to try the B6 again and I am finding its helping.  I feel like I’m a bit softer round the edges.  Not quite Mary Poppins but slightly easier going.

I don’t really know why I’m writing all this.  It’s got absolutely nothing to do with crochet or yarn and it isn’t at all the side of me that most people see.  Maybe I just needed a chance to get it out.  To say that the anxiety doesn’t own me anymore.  Maybe I own it…or maybe not.  I don’t know.

I’m not even sure if there was a point to this rambling.  I think I was trying to say that everyone should take some time for self-care, to take some time out from the rushing around and to just do nothing.  To take care of you.